When I was sixteen, I met a girl who would eventually become my best friend.
Our first “date” (what do you call it when you go places with a friend, anyway?) was to the mall. She drove. Her driving left a lot to be desired. There was a lot of swerving and drifting. Speeding up and slowing down. As I look back on it, her driving was a metaphor for our friendship.
She was always battling something. Her parents, her sister, a partner, drugs, or alcohol. She battled an eating disorder, too. I was often impressed with her courage and her strength. That should could bounce back from anything. What she was really battling was control. Once I realized that, I realized that she was manipulating me.
For twenty years.
I’ll spare you the nitty gritty details, mostly because I don’t want to go there. It is difficult to swallow that someone so close to me could manipulate me for such a long time. And even worse, I didn’t have a clue.
The last time we spoke was October 5, 2010. I missed her like crazy for the first few months. I hated that I couldn’t talk to her every day about nothing and everything. Christmas came and went. The card that I sent to her wasn’t reciprocated. I couldn’t remember a Christmas where I didn’t receive at least a card from her. At that point, I turned my back on the crazy idea of wanting our friendship back and focused on the bones of our friendship.
I used to think that she influenced me, like friends often do. To purchase a certain brand or drink a beverage prepared a certain way. What I’ve learned is that she was manipulating me. She had a tendency to exploit my feelings and disregard my opinions. I can’t tell you how many times we went to the restaurant/movie/bar that she wanted to, rather than where I wanted to go. Everything she did had an ulterior motive behind it.
Those who manipulate often have insecurity issues and a desire to be in control. The same can be said for those with addictions. Did you miss the list of addictions that she struggled with? After knowing her for 20 years, I know that she had control issues. Despite her horrible driving, she was always at the wheel when we went out – so that she could control when we left.
My life has much less stress now than it did when she was in it. She created a lot of drama in her life, which carried into mine. It’s tough to lose a friend, and it’s tough to realize that the friend may not have been the true friend you once thought they were.
I never would have guessed in a million years this would have happened to me.
Have you ever lost a long-time friend or been manipulated by someone you trusted?
This post is inspired by mystery thriller Gone Girl
As someone who struggled with an eating disorder for many years (and blogs about it), I know that manipulation ran deep as a part of my disorder. That being said, the manipulation you talk about here, and that of the characters in Gone Girl seemed more about relationships. I would argue that I manipulated people in order to feed the obsession that was my eating disorder, not because I got joy out of being in control of others or of situations. In reality, I felt out of control and used my eating disorder to distance people. I found it interesting to read your perspective on this friendship and am glad you are free of what sounded like a toxic situation.
Toxic is a word that describes the “relationship” perfectly. Thanks so much for sharing your comments, and I am happy to hear that you’ve been able to overcome your eating disorder.
I have been in your shoes, but not necessarily for twenty years. It my so called best friend in middle and high school.
I have been there – I understand!
What a thought-provoking post. Thank you for sharing your story.
So sorry you had to experience this… I have a few friends who (for different reasons) I don’t speak with any longer. Sometimes I get a wistful moment of missing them, but I always remember this saying:
“People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you will know what to do.” I figure they entered my life to teach me more about friendships, how they come and go, and what I need from true friends for self preservation. Hope you’re able to find a reason for the friendship and focus on that as a positive.
Thanks, Lisa. I’m still examining the whole situation, nearly two years after we last spoke, and find that the ending was a long time coming. I regret that it ended the way that it did (because I have no sense of closure) and regret that it didn’t end sooner. In time, I’ll be able to focus on why we were friends for so long and hopefully I’ll take something positive out of it.
So sorry you had to go through the loss of your friend. I recently wrote about something very similar on my blog. It’s never easy, no matter the circumstances, and I think it is often more difficult than losing a romantic relationship, because friendships are never expected to be broken apart. However, don’t think of it as 20 years wasted… you learned from it, and you grew, and you are better for it. She also had a lot of issues to deal with — not that it’s an excuse for her treatment of you, but something she clearly needs to work on before she can be a good friend to anyone. I hope you find peace.
My statement for issues like this one is “Sometimes you have to get out of a situation before you see it for what it really is”.
Whether it is a friend, or in my case – a boyfriend.
Great post!