A few months ago, I wrote about the difficulty that I’ve experienced making friends in our community. You know, making friends is hard, especially as an adult. When I sat down to write that post, I was full of anger and hurt towards one particular person. It was boiling inside of me, and I had to get it out. It felt good to write, and I came away with lots of advice!
That friend’s wedding is coming up this Saturday, and I am so happy for her to begin a new chapter in her life. As I thought about her, quickly my mind raced back to our failed plans and her lack of apology. I wondered what I can do differently to ensure I am building stronger friendships that are based on respect and caring.
Put myself out there. The Boy started a new school last week. A school that The Texan and I hope he’ll enjoy and that will be a part of our lives through the fifth grade. The school will be a part of our lives, part of our community, and a great source of friendships for The Boy for many years. Why not for me, too? I need to be proactive and introduce myself to other parents, instead of waiting for others, this is hard because I am an introvert. Yikes. Big stretch goal here!
Try new things. I love yoga. While it is a solitary activity, it can be wonderful in a group setting. This month, I’m working on finding a yoga studio that offers classes that coordinate with The Boy’s schedule. And, I will sign up.
Not be afraid of failure. I don’t know if it’s “only child syndrome” or “being a Virgo”, but I do not like to fail. It’s no fun {if you think it is fun you’re lying}. Perhaps my fear of failure is keeping me from cultivating friendships. I am going to accept it, and move on.
We all have busy lives, and want to fill them with joy and laughter. Having strong friendships helps to do that. I am looking forward to putting myself out there in the community and connecting with the amazing women that I KNOW are out there!
How are you building stronger friendships?
This is part of series of posts titled Motherhood Mondays where I’ll be sharing my parenting experiences, tips and advice. If there is a specific topic you would like to see in the coming weeks, please email me with Motherhood Mondays in the subject line.
This is a big one for me too. We have moved twice in the last year, and are hoping to move again in the next few months. I haven’t wanted to make friends in our current town simply because I know another move is coming up. The next move will be more permanent and I can’t wait to get out there and make friends, using my soon to be three kids as an opener!
Wow. You post really hit home. Lately, I’ve been so tired of making an effort to tend friendships. Isn’t that terrible? Our children range in age from 22 to 8, and I used to be much better at putting myself “out there.” Now, I’m honestly more content just hanging out with my monthly book club or working in the garden. I need to break out of my hibernation mode, but right now, it’s comfortable.
We will be moving in the near future. My husband graduated with his phd in May and we are waiting for God to reveal his plans for our future. We live away from our parents so our friends in this small tiny town have become our “family.” I’m sad to leave our friends we have made here but I know God has friends in another town waiting for us. And I agree, we have to get out there and be intentional about it. It is kind of scary to have to do that, but it is such a blessing when you find those lifelong friends!
Hi Emily! It is definitely hard to get out there and make new friends. Especially when, as a society, we are more comfortable connecting electronically (facebook, twitter, etc.) so there isn’t a sense of urgency to make face-to-face connections. I don’t envy you. I’ve been there! Your tips sound like a good plan of action. I hope you make some lasting connections!
I know it’s hard to put yourself out there, especially with your son in school, but you’re on the right track. I remember when we first moved to DC from California, I thought of it as “mommy dating,” I would just invite someone and her kids over, or for a walk or to the park, and see how it went. I didn’t have to call back! 🙂
I keep up my friendships by making time to connect–either by phone or in person–each week. It really does make a difference.
PS–see you at Type A!
Thanks for he advice-and I love the bit about “mommy dating”! I’ll keep that in mind.
Are we twins? Seriously. I have a hard time too. I’m a Virgo too. And, while I’m not an only child (I’m the oldest), I can tell you the perfection thing is probably more a Virgo thing. 😉 I will say that I am really good at virtual friendships, but I don’t get out enough and nurture my IRL friendships. Hard with 2 21mth olds, but I need to be better about it! 🙂
Oh man does this post hit home. We are a younger couple who took the steps a few years ago to settle down, move out, get pets and start saving for our future. Our friends all went in different directions and that change has been REALLY hard. We are lacking a good friend each of us can go to and we are lacking a “couple friend.”It is so difficult to meet people when your older and to find people with the some likes. I feel what your going through and I’m hoping we both find what we are looking for! I’ll be following along with your blog 🙂 Thanks!
Kate,
I’m sad to hear you are going through the same experiences that I am. It’s not fun, and it isn’t easy. I am going to work on getting out in the community more often- which is tough because I work from home…maybe I should start working from Starbucks! Best of luck to you. I hope that we both find what we need!
Making friends as an adult is difficult. I’m an only child also so I know it’s harder for me than most. I don’t trust and disappointment in people is far worse as an adult than it was as a child. I’m extremely careful of who I let in my world
I hear you on that! It is tough to trust others as the disappointment is unbearable at times. Another commenter said that friendship is like dating, I hadn’t looked at it like that. Interesting perspective, and I hope that I can keep that in mind going forward.
This is a tough one. It can be difficult to feel joy for a person when you hold so much animosity toward them. But, holding onto that anger only affects you. Your friend is likely not even aware you are this angry, and if she is, you can bet it does not affect her daily as it does you. When she thinks of you, do you think her mind goes to that moment, as you describe yours doing? doubtful. That’s the trick. Forgiveness is NOT for the other person, it is for you.
Thanks so much Bill. I think you’re right. She probably doesn’t care, or has forgotten about it. I should do the same. Writing about it helps, as does feedback from others who are truly impartial!
Making friends as an adult is hard, especially when you are busy with other commitments. I have been trying to schedule a get together with a few moms I met on a local meet up site for almost 4 months now, but our schedules are so conflicting! I find that if I do the things I enjoy (like you mentioned with yoga), friends naturally fall into place. It takes a long time, but a good friend is worth it!
You are so right! Friendships are very hard to cultivate. We recently moved to a new area, and I’m facing many of these issues. Thanks for the great advice! I’m going to try to “put myself out there” and start conversations with other moms at the park. Baby steps, right?
Yes, baby steps! I’m sorry you’re in the same boat, it’s lonely. I hope that you’re able to make friends with a great group of women and find the support and companionship that we all need.
Thank you for sharing. As a military wife, and moving around a lot, I treasure my friends that I had before and get out to explore the locations we move to. For me, getting out and exploring gives me an opportunity to meet new people. None that I activity seek out for hanging out with, because for me it is more about my kids right now and my lifelong dear friends I chat with. Good Luck and hope things work out the way you want.
Making friends is tough – keeping them is even harder. I agree, it’s just like dating – you have to put yourself out there.
I hadn’t looked at it like dating. I suppose, in a way, it is. We date a lot of people before deciding on “the one” – maybe I need to look at friendship that way. Perhaps I am just not as compatible with certain people as I think I am or as I want to be.
I’m dealing with similar struggles. I’ve always been an introvert and we moved to a new area a year and a half ago. I have managed to make one friend that I worked a temp job with, but we don’t talk a whole lot, even though she only lives a block away.
If only we were neighbors Sarah! I’d invite you over for coffee!
I used to hate failure too. I didn’t want to fail but then I found out all the ways I was “playing it safe” and avoiding new opportunities. We made a big change when we sold everything, quit our jobs, bought a sailboat and took our kids on a 4 year adventure through the Caribbean and South America. When we came back, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to explore all my options. In order to do that, I would have to take the risk of failing. So I gave myself permission, even announced it to the whole family. After a short bit, I found my footing and completed another dream of writing my book A Life Without Borders http://amzn.to/15m4LsL It wouldn’t have happened though if I hadn’t given myself permission to try everything. Good Luch. You will do fine!
I can relate to being ditched by a friend. Over the past few years, I’ve come to accept the fact that certain people just do not want to be my friend…and I think it is their loss.
You asked where I build strong friendships… that would be in the Lord’s church. You have a common goal and common belief, what could be stronger?
I am close to that point of thinking it is their loss. I’m a great friend to those who are good friends to me, but what is the point of putting in effort to cultivate a friendship if it’s only going to burn you in the end. For a while I thought “what is wrong with me?” but I am pretty close to accepting that I don’t need all of these “friends” in my life. Life, it’s so complicated!
Friendships are definitely hard to make! I think for most women it gets lost especially in the early mommy years.The one thing I’d add to your list is that to have friends you need to be one – do the things that you’d like or need a friend to do. Good luck in your adventure!
Thanks, Crystal. I think you’re right. I try to be a good friend to those that I have, but perhaps I need to work on showing that I am a great friend early in a friendship. I am fiercely loyal, but it takes me a bit to trust a new person. The experiences that I’ve had with the women in our new community haven’t been that great – so it’s tough for me to let my guard down.
I find it very hard to make friends too. Partly it’s shyness, partly being an introvert. But I do try to connect with people based on shared interests. And the few friends I have, I cherish! All the best with your goals! 🙂
Thank you. I think that being introverted makes it harder – I find it exhausting to be in “unfamiliar situations” and to strike up conversations with others. I know that I may seem “stand-offish” but that isn’t my intention. I’m a fun girl, I just need to get to you know first!
I’m an introvert too. I usually have to force myself to start new friendships and to nurture the ones I already have. I’ve just moved to another part of the country which makes it hard to see my existing friends and I’m afraid to lose them (becuase it took me a lot of work to build these relationships – you understand if you’re an introvert;)). I’ve also decided to join a new community here. I don’t wanna do it at all, but I know it will be good for me.
I hope that everything works out for you. I know how exhausting it is to build relationships, especially as an introvert. I cherish the ones that I do have, sadly those ladies are spread all over the country. I need to work on establishing relationships with women in my community. It’s intimidating, but I know that I must do it.
I tend to be very content being at home by myself, but I know I would enjoy life more if I would get out there. I need to get back into playing volleyball, which is a great way to meet new friends! I also need to invite people over more often.
Getting involved in activities in your community is a great way to build connections. That’s on my to-do list. We’ll see how it plays out, I can’t help but feel a bit guarded.
Yes, it certainly seems more difficult for me to make new friends than for my preschool aged daughter. I’ll admit, putting myself out there is the hardest for me. Thanks for the encouragement!
I always had a ton of friends but as I got older then marriages, my friends having kids we started growing apart. It seems that when you don’t have kids your friends who do don’t see you the same and it hurts. I was told on more than one occasion that I didn’t understand because I didn’t have kids. I then had to break out on my own and find other friends. It really is hard when you are older its almost as bad as dating when you are older. I have found some good friends and my boyfriend and I have couple friends that we hang out with.
My co-worker and I were talking about this very subject this morning at work. It really is hard to establish friendships as an adult. I love meeting new people but I’m pretty shy. I have to be comfortable with someone before I’m able to open up with that person. I admire the fact that you are willing to step out of your comfort zone in order to build new friendships.
I must confess that to some extent I am crap at staying in touch with people. Life as an expat does not make it easy to stay in contact with friends from my teens and twenties, and I’ve always found it difficult to form friendships with British women. It took my son starting primary school and me going back to university to finally find people that I clicked with. I hope your yoga class helps you find some local friends.
Thank you! It is tough moving as an adult, everyone has their routines and it’s tough to make room for new people. I hope to find some great friends soon!
I too am an introvert so know how difficult it is to make the first move in developing friendships. I’m seriously bad at it. I’ve never had a close friend outside my husband. I’ve been a Mom for so long that I rarely go out.
I started volunteering and attending business functions just to ‘flex’ this muscle of being around people again. It is scary but I know I must do it.
Another only child and introvert here…I can totally relate. Making friends has ALWAYS been difficult for me. Yet I desire a close friend other than my husband. I’ve been praying for years for God to bring me a good friend. And last year, He did–for a season. It was only for a few months before she moved away, but I still count her as one of my good friends even though we don’t call or write often. Making yourself step outside your comfort zone can be so difficult. For myself, I know I hold back so much of who I really am for fear of being rejected. I hope you make good connections and find a good friend by being involved in your kid’s school and taking a yoga class. Best wishes!
A close friend of mine recently moved to another state. She struggled with leaving her friends and finding new ones. When she focused on finding a friend for herself, she became nervous and emotional. After reflecting on her feelings, she figured out that she needed a different approach. Instead of looking for a friend, she decided to be a friend to someone. When she took the focus off herself, she found 2 good friends. They now reach out to others because we all needs friends and healthy relationships. Happy finding someone to befriend!
That is a really good idea. I am fiercely loyal when I am your friend, but hadn’t thought about trying to be a friend to another.
I am like you – an introvert that cannot even imagine making new friends. I guess that’s why I focus on making the long-lasting bonds I share with two of my closest friends much stronger. They don’t live close by either. I basically spend most of my time with my immediate family and my sweetie – we do everything together. I don’t even know how to go about making a new female friend, and don’t get many opportunities to do so anyways. Plus…I need low maintenance friends (the kind that don’t demand a lot of my physical time)…that sounds bad, doesn’t it? If I ever move from here, I will be in a lot of trouble.
Ooo – I did have a plan to join a local tennis ‘club’ to meet new people. I used to play in high school and wouldn’t mind getting back into it with others. That way, I get exercise and make connections that probably won’t demand a lot of my time.
Emily, my husband and I have the “friends vs. associates” talk all the time. I have often used the word friend loosely according to him. He has what I think are a large number of friends, but he says no most of them are associates. I’m talking about guys that were his groomsmen and have known for over 20 years. He still says they are not really friends because they don’t talk that often and he cannot rely on them if he were in a bind. It makes me ponder that term when I look at it from that point of view. I think friendship is a two way street. You have to work at it for it to last. However I don’t think you have to talk on the phone often or see each other often to keep it solid. Case in point–I have two BFFs in other parts of the country that I rarely if ever talk to on the phone. But we text and e-mail often. We see each other once a year. And when we do, it’s as though no time has passed. I have that same relationship with both of them. I do still call other people close to me “friends” but not BFFs.
I think what I’m looking for are trustworthy individuals that won’t stand me up & ignore my calls/texts when they chose not to show up for a planned outing. Another commenter mentioned that she looks at friendship as dating – they’re not all going to work out. I hadn’t thought about that. After having a BFF for 17 years, it’s hard not having one. Perhaps I am expecting too much of others & wanting them to fill a void?
I’ll stop now before this turns into another blog post!
We moved two years ago from Indiana to a Chicago suburb. We were leaving behind my family and all our friends to a new (and much larger) city where our closest friend was still 40-minutes away. While I am a very social person, making friendships is still a challenge for me. I often feel like I am intruding in their lives when I call. And I don’t want to feel needy. I knew that I would need other moms quickly though to help me through the transition so I joined a local MOPS (Mothers of PreSchoolers) group. I had been in the group in Indiana and while I never really connected with anyone there, knew that friendship potential was there! And it was! I made several good friends through MOPS. Now, however, with my boys’ preschool and speech class schedules, MOPS isn’t an option for us anymore. But I’m finding that many of the moms at the play places are in the same position… we all need/want to connect to other moms to get us through these crazy days and to befriend us as a person (not just a mom).
My first step in these new friendships is usually a playdate on neutral grounds with the kids. Then a playdate in home. Then arranging a family BBQ. My closest friends are ones that my husband can connect with their husbands and we become a family support system. I can definitely say though that the people we’ve met since our move have definitely been our closest friends and we have been incredibly blessed to have them in our lives!
Thank you for the suggestions! I was thinking of inviting a few of my son’s preschool classmates over for a play date, but I love your idea of a family BBQ!
I’m also an introvert! I used to be painfully shy as a child. As I grew older, I got better at coming out of my shell but only with one person or a few at a time. Large groups frightened me… okay, they still do! But, as a blogger within the beauty industry, I try to attend as many networking events as possible and force myself to walk up to women and speak. Putting yourself out there, as you said, is a great first step. Opening with compliments has helped and the person and I get to talking. I’ve established a few relationships this way.
I also hate to fail especially at being sociable (afraid of being seen as awkward/weird). I was an only child for ten years… do I fit the profile? 🙂
I think I’m more cautious of people as an adult than I was when I was younger. Part of that comes from fear of being judged – because, let’s face it, everyone does it.
I do like your suggestion about opening with compliments, and I’m going to give that a try!
I’m a bit of a loner myself. However, I’ve been trying to make time for myself to get together with friends. I have long standing friends that I’ll get together with at least 3 times a year and I have friends that I see at least once a week. It’s important to give yourself time to relax and catch up with friends.
It’s tough to put yourself out there after you’ve been hurt! But I’ve been there too, and know that for every person that hurts us, there’s at least 5 that are genuine. So don’t let it hold you back!! I love that you’re willing to try new things; I always need a reminder to do that more!
Thanks, Ruby! I’m trying…it’s scary, but I’m trying!
I recently lost most of my friends after a breakup, followed by graduation time. I’ve been trying to reach out to my new roommates more, and be extra thoughtful. I also weeded out some “fake” friendships that were more stressful than worthwhile. Hopefully, I’ll build some new, lasting friendships soon!
♥emma
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