The older I get, the more I realize that making friends is hard. It gets hard the older you get, and the more your life changes. You go from being on top of the world in high school, to starting all over again in college, and again in your early twenties.
I made great friends in my twenties, but I don’t see them any more. They’re in Florida. I’m not. Do I miss them? Yes! Of course! Have I found new friends? Some.
Like you, I have friends that I meet for this or that. But, maybe unlike you, I don’t have any friends that I can call and talk about nothing with at any time of day. I used to have that friend, but after 20 years of friendship I learned that she really wasn’t a friend at all.
Because of that particular friend, I think I have some trust issues and I have a low tolerance for bad behavior. I am struggling to develop worthwhile and meaningful friendships. I’m a busy. I’m no different from you. Whether you have children or not, everyone has a busy life. We all have interests and commitments and errands to run. Over the last few years, I have had a few woman treat me not so nicely. From failing to return a promised phone call, not showing up for a coffee date, and not showing up for dinner after I’ve already hired a sitter.
What the hell is wrong with women? Why are we treating one another so horribly?
Each time a “friend” does something like this, I get angry {Very angry if I’ve hired a sitter. Now I’m paying someone so that I can wander Home Goods alone on a rainy night. I’d rather be home.}. Then I feel sad, and wonder “what’s wrong with me?” that they don’t want to follow through with our plans.
I know that there is nothing wrong with me. That these other women, women that I considered friends, do not know the true value of friendship and how important it is to keep you centered and grounded. I’ve told others before that I do not have space in my life for behavior like this. It’s easy for me to delete you from my contact list and my Facebook friend list, too. After all, why do you want to be my friend on Facebook if you can’t be my friend in real life?
As I write this today, I feel angry. Angry at these women for taking advantage of me, but more angry with myself for allowing it to happen again and again. I feel sad, too. That people think this type of behavior is okay. Is this what we’re teaching the next generation? That it is okay to break plans without contacting the other party? That it is okay to be unkind?
No matter your age, making friends is hard. But why do some women make it so much harder?
This is part of series of posts titled Motherhood Mondays where I’ll be sharing my parenting experiences, tips, and advice. If there is a specific topic you would like to see in the coming weeks, please email me with Motherhood Mondays in the subject line.
I’m sorry you get angry and sad over things like this. You are a genuinely nice person-people should not treat you as they have.
And, ya know, I’m beginning to wonder why myself! I went to that tech conference this past weekend, I normally make friends pretty easily-nope, not at the conference. Everyone was guarded, “in-it” for themselves- nobody cared less about networking and forming new relationships.
Even more odd, there were people I tried to befriend who were very closed off- yet, when I got home that night I noticed they friended or followed me on my social media sites. So, it’s okay to be friendly online but not face to face- I swear. I ate lunch alone, and walked around the campus alone, and spent what free time I had that day alone. It was pretty eye-opening and lonely, though I did learn a lot and that was really why I was there. But still….
Thanks, Ashley. I just don’t understand what is wrong people? How is it possible to have a complete lack of respect for others? Really gets to me.
Sorry about your experience at the conference, it’s crazy that people would be at a conference yet not want to network!
Emily, I know exactly where you’re coming from and am sorry you’re going through this. Sadly, a lot of people want to have friends without really understanding what true friendship is about. Most people have a handful of true friends in their lifetime. We have lots of people that we associate with and are friendly to them, but that’s not the same thing. I call them category friends; work friends, school friends, church friends, Zumba friends, etc. Do I love them any less? No, because love is unconditional. However, there are some “inner circle” friends (aka true or best friends) that I know I can trust with my kids, husband, life, food, secrets, etc. Some I’ve known forever and some for only a few years, but we very quickly went into that deep friendship level.
And sometimes even the best of friends can have a disagreement or fight that stretches the relationship almost to the breaking point. But friendship is a relationship – it always needs work and nurturing. If you were nearby, I’d have you come over for your favorite “cuppa” and let you know that you probably have some great friends who love you a lot, and just got a bit lazy and didn’t think about the importance of their actions. Be patient and forgiving. Take a deep breath and let it go. You can’t change them, but you don’t want it to change you, either. (((Hug))) Even if they’re not around the corner any more, you do have friends. And maybe even another new friend in Florida? Good luck!
Thank you, Anne. Your comment gave me a lot to think about.
I whole heartily agree with her. You tend to have circles of friends as you get older. I’ve always been the one that initiates things, and often I feel like I don’t get that back from others.
((hugs))
I really feel like I am the only one putting in the effort. I don’t want a one sided friendship, and I am no longer tolerating those types of people in my life. The one benefit to this – my Christmas card list is considerably shorter!
I know exactly how you feel. I’ve had a few bad experiences with friendships, so between that, being very shy, and it just generally being more difficult to form friendships at this stage of life, I do get very lonely sometimes.
I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I know what you mean about being lonely, I really miss grabbing a coffee with a friend on a whim. Sigh. Hopefully this stage will pass for both of us.
I still don’t know many people here in NC. It’s really hard to meet new people when you’re an adult, especially when you don’t work outside of the home. And I had a similar situation with a crappy friend too and I think that’s made me really hesitant to get to know people. Argh. I definitely feel your pain!
I think that is part of the difficulties that I am experiencing too, Kiersten. Working from home does limit your social life, and going “out” to work (like at a Starbucks or Panera) isn’t going to help you meet people or accomplish anything. AT times, I feel like “what is the point? why should I bother”. Then I see 2 gals out together having a blast. It’s depressing and frustrating.
I think that the biggest thing I have to realize is that true friendship shouldn’t take a ton of work. It should feel natural and effortless. I mean sure, you should try and help out when you can, go out of your way to show you care, but should definitely have some reciprocity to the feelings. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this!
Thanks, Danielle. I have the same thoughts on friendship that you do, it should come naturally and not feel forced. I can’t understand why people are so thoughtless and rude. Why does my time – or my feelings – have less value than theirs?
I appreciate your kind words.
Reading experiences like this makes me so sad! Having healthy friendships / relationships with other women is so important and helps to (well, should help to) alleviate stress and give us a chance to just decompress from time-to-time. Not the other way around.
That’s what I always thought, too. It’s been so tough, and really crappy, too. Thanks for your support.
I’m in the same boat. Its difficult making new friends – especially women. I think this is why most of my friends are men!
Emily, I’ll meet you for margaritas (of coffee if we must) anytime!
Girl, the next time I am in Texas we’re definitely having margaritas! Hope you are well!
It is sad that so many people are this way. I think because so many people have a me first attitude so they just don’t think about others and their feelings.
I think you hit the nail on the head Amanda! Many, many people are selfish and show no concern for others. I wonder why I am attracting those type of people. Gosh, I hope that isn’t the vibe I am giving off.
That really stinks! I find it so hard to make friends as I get older. I don’t think my Internet friends have helped much – it’s too easy to sit at home and chat with them.
It seems to me, Maggie, that internet friendships are more pure than the ones I’m experiencing in “real life”. I’m running out of patience and don’t have space in my world for inconsiderate people.
I totally feel you, Emily. It’s been very hard for me to make friends, and I’m so confused by it because I’m a nice, friendly person. I don’t understand why women just can’t be nice to each other and uphold the bond of female friendship. Hugs to you!
I’m sorry you’re experiencing this too, Jenny. It is tough. I am at the point where I am afraid to be nice because I keep getting walked on. I almost wonder if I’m better off without friends. Too much heartache.
I’m sorry that your friend let you down, and you’re right, making TRUE friends is really hard! I was really lucky to make two really good friends about 7 years ago, and they are such a blessing. I make new friends all the time because I’m just a friendly person, but maintain those two friendships with a lot of effort.
Making friends is tough – and keeping the friendships going takes work. It’s very discouraging when the other parties aren’t kind. Sigh. Maybe I’m just picking from a bad pool of people? Fingers crossed that it gets better.
They say you are lucky you will only make 2 or 3 true friends in your entire life. Unfortunately, I have experienced some of the same. I mean why invite me to your kid’s party when you won’t speak to me at other events. So tired of the fake hugs when you turn around and talk behind my back. I have better things to do with my time and money…
Exactly Kristy! I just don’t understand. My time is just as important as someone else’s!
Well, if you ever move back to Florida then I’ll be your friend 😉
Some days I want too! I’ll let you know if we do!
It’s definitely tough…I’ve fallen out of touch with a lot of my friends and there are just a few that I do stay in touch with but those are the ones that last forever. So sorry you’re dealing with this!
I know that I am partly to blame, I don’t put myself out there as often as I should. Yet at the same time, I find that I am not as trusting of people because of the actions of the few. Such a struggle. So hard to be a grown up sometimes!
Oh! I can truly relate to this. I am a work at home mom and I seldom get out of the house because of my parenting life and my job. It’s difficult. My temporary solution so far is to sometimes go out to work an see new faces but it’s really not helping. 🙁
I hear ya Janet! It’s tough for me too, I work at home. Going out to work doesn’t get me interacting with others – as they’re usually sitting down working too!
I’m sorry you have been treated this way. I consider myself lucky because I have a group of friends that I have had for 20 plus years. We don’t always get to see each other often, but when we do it’s like no time has passed at all. I hope you can make some great friends soon who will truly value you as the person you are!
Sadly, I completely understand and know where you are coming from. Why the hell is it so hard to find friends. I have friends, but not good friends. Not ones that I can call to vent, cry, chat, etc. I have ones that call me for that but when I need it.. they are not there. Ones that always have problems or issues bigger than mine.. so I just listen. I hate it. But, it is what it is. I have made some good online friends and wish I could make good close friends as sometimes a girl needs a close by, close friend.
Sending hugs your way. XO
It sounds like we’re in the same boat. Which is comforting, and sad. I hope you’re able to find a quality friend close by.
I totally understand this. As we grow older, it is much harder because so much of life gets in the way with any relationship. Family, Children, Work, always comes first so it seems.
But, yes, the lack of disrespect and inconsiideration drives me nuts. Would I call myself a good friend? Honestly, probably not. I’m horrible with the phone so I rarely reach out to make that phone call. But, I’ve also learned over the years what I like in other people and what I don’t like as much.
I also have different classification of friendships. Some people I instantly click with and others not so much.
It’s tough as an adult to make friends, but I think of myself as a good friend. I remember birthdays, show up on time, and drop off coffee if I think you need a little pick me up. I’m just looking to connect with like-minded ladies!
I am so sorry you going through this i think at some point we all go through this even several times. I know i have and its horrible. I always try my best to be open and friendly to all
I just hope that things start improving. It’s hard enough to live in a new community, but to have such poor experiences with the people here doesn’t make it any easier. Sometimes, I just want to move!
We live in a super small community and my husband always warned me that I should make friends outside of the other farmer’s wives, at least the ones we do daily business with. I ignored him because there was not a lot of other options when I moved here and I regret that choice now. It just becomes to hard to keep the distance between business and personal and several of them have the mentality that they have to beat the Jones’s and I have no desire to keep up. That has made it harder to make new friends but the ones I do make now I can tell they are going to be good friends for a long time. It’s slow I admit and we all have to let our guard down in order to make friends to begin with.
Dear Emily:
I just recently gave this advice to my daughters, then added it to my blog. There is a time to cut the ties of the friends that bring you down, the “no-shows”, the ones that give back handed compliments and truly do not root for you, your dreams and aspirations. You know who you are, what you want…meaningful relationships with like-minded equals.
You are clearly connecting with good, online supportive friends…you will attract those same kind of girlfriends in your “real” life, as well. Once your kids are school age and busy, you will find yourself gravitating to moms of their friends, or in the same school through volunteering and participating with school activities. That is where I met my “inner circle”. The go-to friends that know absolutely everything. We all met through our same school , in 1998.
We have suffered together through pains of child rearing, first loves, first break-ups, that first “oh my God, “junior” came home drunk!, waiting for college acceptances, graduations and now college graduations. One of our husbands even survived a horrible car accident, but we went through scary, tragic time together. Our kids are all over the country now, but we get together as often as we can for “speed scrabble” (were kind of cool nerds), lunch, cocktails, dinners with husbands and without.
Now, that our kids are gone, we can even travel together…it is awesome. And, you will have that too.
I had no idea when my kids were babies, and I was longing for adult conversation…wow, how did I get through it without a computer?!…that these 5 women were just a few years away, waiting to begin a wonderful friendship for a lifetime.
Be patient, expect the best….they are out there, close by. Life is too short to settle for mediocre friends.
Like I tell my 20, 22, 27 & 29 year olds….be the person you want to attract.
Keep writing!
Sincerely,
Jackie
Jackie,
Thank you so much for your kind words. That was just what I needed to hear. “Be the person you want to attract.” Love that. Need to hang it in my house!
I would come have coffee with you if I could 🙂
I’ve always felt that women, in general, are less nice to each other (and sometimes blatantly mean) than they should be. I’m not sure why?
Thanks Liza! I bet we’d have a blast, too.
I honestly don’t worry so much anymore about making a certain number of friends. I have some really close people in my life and they are plenty. If people treat you badly and are unreliable, it’s their loss.
Thanks Dawn. I’m not so worried about the number of friends, just about making some that are trusting, courteous, and reliable. I don’t have space in my life for this type of behavior. When I wrote the post, the issue was consuming me – now that a few days have passed, I’m thinking less about the behavior of others and more about what I can do to bring new people into my circle that are deserving of me & my time.
I have the worst experience with this. I think you may remember the issues I had with that moms group I was a paid member of and people not showing up to playdates. I’ve had some crappy experiences with online friends too, but those hurt in a different way. Sorry you are dealing with this 🙁
I don’t understand why people are so rude and inconsiderate. The sad part is that many of these people are raising children – what type of values are they teaching them?!
I know first hand how hard it is to meet friends – I moved to Las Vegas and one month later my husband was deployed. It was a very lonely several years. After having my child I joined a mommy and me group – smartest thing I ever did!I have made some lasting friendships there, but there are still some very lonely nights and times when plans fall through. Regardless no one ever deserves to be stood up. I would have love to walk through Home Goods with you. Hugs!
Thanks for your encouraging words, Emily! The problem that I had with the local moms groups, is that many of the women were already longtime friends and not very welcoming to outsiders. I threw in the towel after attending a few events. I’m so happy that you’ve made lasting friendships, and hope that one day I will too. Next time I’m in Vegas, we’ll have to meet!
I completely understand! I moved away from my hometown to a city where everyone stayed after high school so they have their network of friends. I have been burned a couple times as well and it does make it hard to trust. I have found a few friends that have been wonderful. YouI just have to trust you’ve learned and picked the right people now. It’s much harder than that, but it will happen(took me a long time and I’m still very cautious with new people)
Truthfully, Laura, I don’t know if I have the energy to put myself out there any more. It’s heart wrenching and frustrating.
I’m sorry to hear that! Sometimes when you stop looking is when you meet a friend. It is so hard after you have been betrayed or turned on. It’s something you move past, but it stays with you (which can be good so not to get close to another person like that).
Making friends is really hard for me because I am incredibly shy. Online, it’s easier. I can be myself, and if someone doesn’t like it, well, I can just walk away or ignore them. Plus, I write better than I talk. In the real world, I have two friends that I see regularly. I have great friends from long ago that I never get to see, but still would drop everything to help if they needed it.
Here’s the thing: you can’t let one bad person (no matter how bad they are) keep you from getting out there and making new connections. There are always going to be people who disappoint you. That is a very sad fact of life. I feel for you, because I had a friend disappoint me on a major level. I cut her out and moved on. There are so many other women out there who want to build you up, not knock you down. Find those. Forge friendships with them. Forget the rest. You don’t need them, and you don’t need to waste your time, energy, and life on their nonsense games.
I completely understand your frustration. I ‘ve had great friends over the years but due to a few who have used me for their own gain and then those that couldn’t handle watching me go through cancer treatment, well let’s just say I have very few friends and now of them are close. I can’t bring myself to trust again. Maybe that is why I never remarried. Making friends is more difficult the older I become, at least that’s the way I see it.
Oh Bonnie, I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced something similar. I feel the same though, can’t bring myself to trust people and don’t want to put myself out there just to be trampled on.
Girl! I feel your pain! I was going through that before I moved to Texas and its been even worse since I got here! I live in a tiny town full of people that have known each other their whole lives… and have no room for new friends. It doesn’t help that I don’t have children… if I did I would at least have something in common with them. All my friends are online/fellow bloggers these days. In some ways its awesome, in others its worse. Sometimes you just need a really good REAL LIFE friend to chat with and do things with. I miss that, desperately sometimes…
Jennifer, I’m so sad that you’re dealing with this too! Many of the people in my area have their life long friends, and they don’t have room for more either. I suppose that with everyone having such busy lives, regardless of whether or not you are a parent, it makes it hard to add new things to it. I’ve been trying, but some days I wonder if it is even worth the effort.